My battle with trauma and addiction, and how I dealt with it
Hello, my name is Kerri and I'm 23. I'm a mum to a 14 month old little girl called Ariella, pronounced AhReeElla, and a wonderful husband named Jay. Jay has a condition called CRPS. I'll go into it more further on. The problems in my life started when I was around 8 years old, albeit never penatrative, there were many instances of one of my older brothers being sexually abusive. I never really knew what was happening, I never understood that it was wrong. He was my brother and I trusted him, and I was never educated on consent, not properly. I began to smoke on and off, hiding it from my already useless mum who was too interested in her computer or cross-stitch or books to give a shit about us, me at least. My dad walked out when I was 12. He'd had enough of mum being a selfish slob, and refusing to do anything but sit on her arse all day. But, you don't understand that when you're 12. I thought it was my fault, I'd always be the black sheep of the family and I still am, to be fair. At 13 I began taking drugs and drinking to handle things I didn't understand, I was put on anti-depressants (and have been on many different kinds since), at 15 I was raped by an ex boyfreind who decided that my consent wasn't necessary, at 16 I was in an abusive relationship with a horrible person, and by 17 I'd said "fuck it" and went to go live with my dad. Dad and I never really got on, I moved to the UK, and quickly wanted out of my dads house. Going through mental problems, drug addiction and alcohol problems meant I could barely keep a job, I was tired constantly and got fed up. So, after more bad relationships, one where he made me actually have an abortion against my own wishes, and many miscarriages I moved out of my dads house to be with my now husband. We ended up homeless, miscarrying, etc etc. I had my last miscarriage two years ago. I was told I'd never be able to carry to term. The next March we found out that I was pregnant on our now one year old daughter. We braced ourselves, expecting the worst, and yet come our 13 week scan we found out that our daughter was perfectly healthy, perfectly sized and generally awesome. I had a rough pregnancy, I was throwing up constantly, and the damage that caused to my stomach muscle has left me with near constant confidence issues. I eventually gave birth to a beautiful, health, 6lb 9oz baby girl on the 20th of September 2015. In the November following we moved into the house that we've recently gotten an assured tenancy for. Things are still hard, and after a huge mental health dip, I'm realising it now more than ever, but I'm back on medication and actually going to proper therapy now. It's hard and it sucks ass, but it's necessary, I have a lot of skeletons in my closet that I need to deal with, but with therapy and medication I'll get there. It may take a lot time, but it can be done!
Written by Kerri Maguire